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Subject:Tales of my demise are grossly exaggerated...
Time:01:04 am
Current Mood:happyhappy
Ah yes on the rare occasion that my computer actually functions in the heat i take delight in updating lol. OK i lie i have just thought up of randomly updating seeing as this journal has so many years of my life behind it. It would be a shame to let this history of what i have gone through go to waste. Even if a lot of people do not read this it stills serves as a therapeutic tool.

For almost six months life has actually been quite nice to me, I found an amazing girlfriend that encompassed almost all the favorable habits/traits of the girls i've met throughout my travels. On top of that she puts up with me.. not an easy feat as many can tell you, i will be the first to agree that i'm not quite all "there" at times. In fact till recent times i had always thought i would never find a girl like this.

But i do not want to get too ahead of myself and/or jinx myself, i am quite happy for once on how the relationship front is going. Life does hold a few obstacles as in just about anything that is worthwhile. Career wise i'm still cleaning up my act and wondering just where i'm supposed to be heading. I think i want to return to school and finish up what i started. Although i did graduate i was a few credits shy of getting my teaching certificate, i took a year off just to unwind and i'm ready to head back into the fray.

I feel as if this year i am a bit more level headed, i started going back to mass/church mainly due to my niece. But after awhile i found serenity in going to mass and just being there, of course i'm not some uber church fanatic or any of that nonsense. Just stating that for me personally it has helped me cope with some things and some hard times in my life. I try and go at least twice a month if not more of course after i wake up from my drinking coma/weekend lol. Hey i still have some of my vices! lol

Time to get some sleep i have to head to the gym early than a possible lunch with Hoj. oh yes as always i am keeping quite busy...
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Subject:Is it the year 2020 yet?
Time:01:28 am
Current Mood:happyhappy
Sorry that i haven't been updating much.. or at all for quite some time I guess time really does tend to fly by whether or not you are enjoying it much. Lets see where did i leave off? In august i went to Indy as per my usual "geek trip" it was all types of fun as always. It surprises me how much I could just let go and be myself on my 'geek vacations' while still enjoying a highly social night life hehe. Enough of that though currently I am not enrolled in school I decided to take a year off, this had a mixed blessing effect as it gave me time to reflect on what is really important.

After much waiting I finally have someone that I can say that I am genuinely happy with and her name is Natalie. At first I thought her to be just another girl that was interested in me for well I am still not sure what women see in me per se but obviously something... In the months that followed of us talking she actually charmed me over which is something quite unexpected yet surprisingly effective strategy.

As time passed and we got to know one another I found in her many mannerisms or personality traits that were the best parts of other girls I knew rolled up into one oh so cute package. Finally accepting what some would call defeat I asked her to be my girlfriend (an inside joke)... albeit while I was drunk lol. So yes I am finally off the market and quite happy about it.

We have been together almost four months now and it has been great, of course we had a few bumps on the road. But I honestly prefer that we did otherwise I emotionally/mentally wouldn't be able to handle it (yes I have plenty of problems lol), because we talked about our problems through and worked them out in the end when we were both level headed and ready.

As far as trips go? I'm trying to get motivated to get my passport (and I will have to make any trips apparently) to head to Canada in April.. Yes! I think me and Hoj are heading to Montreal? I have to confirm this it should be quite some fun. Also in the pipeline is the Indiana trip in August and fingers crossed a trip to Las Vegas in September or October.

Not too sure whats on the horizon for now i'm thinking about taking a second job to help out my parents and start establishing myself. I'm starting to notice that I should start taking more responsibility and going out there and getting what I think I deserve. Lets see if I can go through with it =0)

~Meh
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Subject:Fine tuning yourself.
Time:12:33 am
Current Mood:accomplishedaccomplished
So i did mention that i was going to try and update this more often didn't i? lol I had a revelation last week it came very subtly i almost wasn't sure how to piece it together till someone interrupted my reverie. Let me start off the story properly.. or maybe in order i was never one to actually go 'in order' lol.

About a month ago i went to my nephew's baptism, i rarely if ever get a sunday off from work but i had to request it because my cousin IM'd me (she knows how to get my attention) and asked if i was going. I agreed it has been way too long since i've spent quality time with the rest of my family (most of whom reside in jersey mind you).

I was glad i did it was very relaxing just going and seeing my family again, though we ate at a banquet hall afterward it was still pretty good. It was hard to pinpoint the feeling at the time but i was pretty happy that i did go and spend time with the family.

Last week though i had to work on sunday i had a late shift so i managed to swing by my cousins house for a bbq. Awesome home cook/grilled food i almost forgot what it tasted like, to eat with family an eclectic but very good food. Which brings me more or less to my point as i was sitting there watching my nieces and nephews play in the yard i just smiled. My cousin Janet asked me if i had anything on my mind. I told her that i rarely get to spend time with family and i'm glad that even if it's only for awhile that i am able to.

I guess i was just remembering how when i was young we would play in my aunts backyard running around and waiting to eat off the grill. The weather was actually really nice almost summer like despite being mid september. It almost seemed like a dream that's when it dawned on me that the feelings i had was that of love of my family. It was odd so many years toiling at work missing family get together i almost forgot what it felt like.

Events like that make me thankful that i have a tightly knit family it was great to have an eye opening experience like that. I was happy all day at work despite everything that happened. A lot of work is being done internally on myself, it's weird i am always adapting and changing my moods. I have always been a fickle one i suppose always questioning motives and what not.

I realized that feelings tend to get in the way of looking at things rationally, you are so caught up in the aura of someone that you aren't realizing the danger. You aren't seeing whats happening to you, you are just blissfully carried away like a sirens song to a sailor oblivious to the danger that will swallow you whole. Emotions tend to always get in the way though, you can't help it. You think you comprehend what is going on but you miss the obvious signs and make excuses for a person when it's painfully obvious what's really happening.

Then again i think that's just life in general, sometimes you just want something so much you are ignoring the facts just to live part of the dream you had thought out for yourself. You make excuses and you over look things just because you wish just this once things went your way. Like i said i am always learning and adapting and this is definitely i lesson i had to go through in order to see more clearly.

Now i have renewed my purpose and take that experience with me moving onwards, after all there is no real point in dwelling on something. History is merely a reference point, not a focal point in one's life.

~Andy
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Subject:You find yourself in the oddest places..
Time:12:19 am
Current Mood:cheerfulcheerful
I'm all giddy, Angie took me out to buy books lol. It was a fun time indeed i wasn't sure what i was going to buy at first then i just went into a frenzy. It's ok since i haven't read a good book in such a long time. I picked up: World War Z, Do Andriods Dream of Electric Sheep, Hell to Pay and Sharper than a Serpent's Tooth (both are part of the Nightside series). I was going to pick up some H.P. Lovecraft books as well as a few others but i restrained myself for the moment at least.

After we got back from Barnes and Nobles Angie showed me her awesome apartment it reminded me of my sister's apartment from a few years back good stuff. We also watched Fido which was one of those movies i really wanted to watch on screen but never had the chance. Awesome comedy about domesticated zombies! lol We all know how much i love zombies <3's. Then we talked it's always a pleasure talking to Angie she is very comforting to talk to even if it's just shooting bs for awhile. Hopefully it won't be another like year and change before i see her so we can hang out again ::hint hint:: lol.

Other than that i've been feeling unnaturally good lately i want to question it but at the same time why would i want to get rid of this feeling? Things have been going pretty good for me and i am looking for opportunities to make it better. Little by little i've come to the grim realization that i love putting myself through situations just to see if i can handle them. This of course makes life harder but in the process i believe i gain greater insight. For example if i think i may like a girl i attempt to sabotage the situation to make things harder/more interesting... yes i am a difficult individual to understand lol.

Dreams have become quite interesting the past few months they seem to be geared to showing me solutions in a very unconventional way about issues that i have been thinking about. I'm slowly starting to pay heed to them not as just dreams that should be ignored but actual advice that needs to be further examined. this should be really interesting =0)

Well loyal readers i've made an oath to myself to try and stay consistent with my blogs (including my hobby blogs... yes i'm a geek!) so i definitely hope to post a lot more in the coming weeks! stay tuned!

~Andy
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Subject:embracing life a feeling at a time.
Time:07:10 pm
Current Mood:tiredtired
Sorry for the great gap of time missing on here, as always i guess it just slips my mind to write on here and days turn into weeks then months. Though i'm not sure how many of you still read this it still serves as a tool for me to get my emotions out whether or not someone is actually reading this.

Well lets see first of all i graduated college for starters, i'm quite happy about that even though it seems i might go back and do some more studying. Which is fine for me because anything now is just to 'round out' my studies.Now the hardest part begins looking for a 'real/career' job.

I just returned from Indy and boy am i tired, i had such a fun time at Gen Con both at the convention and umm ahem "outside" lol. Nothing like downing a few drinks and 9 pitchers of beer in the span of 4 hours. I also got a chance to fully test my personal Breathalyzer blowing between 0.12-0.13 hehe.

The weekend also made me realize a few things about myself albeit in a very indirect sort of manner. In between events or moments when i was just 'spacing out' due to lack of sleep among other factors. My mind wandered and started to make sense of everything in life that has happened to me thus far.

For example i had always believed that because i've been hurt so many times that i simply stopped from feeling certain emotions. That i only really felt extremes, but when i really came to think about it. That is not true at all what i had felt wasn't an absence of feelings that i've had, but rather that it was just my instincts telling me to be more cautious where i invest those feelings.

This small but meaningful revelation has me looking at things through a whole new set of eyes. I have always been one to try and trust my instincts even if i didn't want them to be true, they have always been right. Whenever i felt like someone was off or inconsistent with a certain person it my instincts have always been right even if my heart didn't want it to be so. ::shrugs:: it's a gift and a curse i suppose lol.

In due time i'm bound to figure out what i truly want and maybe even have a girlfriend in the next couple of months? who knows lol i'll just go with the flow and see what happens...

~Andy
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Time:09:47 am
Current Mood:busybusy
I'm so excited that i'm going to Chicago next week! From thursday to sunday its going to be a great little mini vacation since i have never gone there. I heard they have a really good nightlife and a plethora of bars. yummy bars! Ray even exclaimed to have some money set aside just in case we get jailed! lol Such brave and foolish souls are we!

I should graduate in May though i would have to take 1 summer class to make it 100% official, then i'm off to search for a real job. I will go back to get my masters at some point just have to see whats going to happen. The job market is pretty shitty at the moment (damn you declining economics!) but i'm sure i will find something semi-cozy and professional to at least break my teeth on.

Love life as always has it's ups and downs but im fairly used to it and the disappointments that i am coming across are nothing new to me. I'm not sure if that is sad or not? lol I generally keep my head up and try not to let past experiences ruin my image on women. Though that is becoming harder as of late..

I'm slowly but surely memorizing how to make more and more drinks, which is exciting because one day i would like to bartend even if only for awhile. When i bartend at parties or whatever i feel pretty confident in my skill it's a weird obsession i guess but i really do enjoy mixing drinks for people. People are always encouraging me to go bartend or go to take a class or two so i can get the license but i'm not sure. My biggest concern is mixing 4 or more part drinks or making something that i have no idea how to make.

Sorry to everyone (if anybody) that still looks to this journal for updates as of late i've just been going in every direction in my life that i haven't been paying much attention on here. Though i have been updating my 'past experiences' journal which is at:

http://awreflections.blogspot.com/

so far it only has 3-4 stories in it, but they are semi entertaining. This journal documents recent events while the other journal logs in things that i might have never written in this journal because i didn't think they were significant on the first glance.

Regardless hopefully i will update this before chicago and if that doesn't happen expect to see a million photos when i return from chicago! see everyone soon!

~Andy
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Subject:Myraid of emotions! warned.
Time:12:12 am
Current Mood:sicksick
The other day i was talking to a friend at work about live journals, when i noticed just how far back my entries were. I have had live journal since 2001, i was shocked that so much of my life was actually on the net. Though reading back some of those entries i can see how childish and naive i was (well much more than i am now heh). It was refreshing to just look back at life and read those entries well at least some of them no way i'm reading all those in one sitting.

I think i have finally given up on the notion of a 'formal' relationship with anyone and just go the way i have been going. I feel every time i put myself on the line and share my feelings with someone it just isn't good enough. I end up looking like a fool and i become horribly jaded each and every time. It looks like i will find solace in the smaller things in life rather than a relationship with someone and that is fine.

I'm slowly working on all types of blogs at the same time and it has been incredibly slow but hopefully i can present them soon. Me and the crew are gearing up to head to Chicago in April, i can't wait i have never been! I will be there for 4-5 days so i have plenty of time to explore the bars/clubs in the area among other things.

In other news i'm beyond sick, i was hanging out at Jon's house and my eyes started to tear up for three hours straight! My tears stung my eyes (it seems i don't get much use of them at all) and i feel like crap. Hopefully this goes away before the weekend, i took some medicine and got some sleep in me (pretty much the only time i sleep a lot). SO things should be better or not as bad tomorrow.

I have had all types of interesting dreams that i will put into another blog somewhere into the net, along with the interpretations of what I believe they mean. I look forward to sharing that with everyone, till then stay classy.
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Subject:the illusion of perfection.
Time:12:44 pm
The thing about dreams is that they are so ideal that you cannot help but feel caught into whatever they are portraying for good or ill. For example i had this dream that i was hanging out with a couple of people from work and some of their friends just watching TV smoking/drinking and the sort. When i sat next to this girl i thought was cute (who i met at a party before hand in real life). So we just chatted a bit drank moderately casually flirted with each other. When finally i kissed her and it was amazingly just everything i would imagine it to be.. i woke up with a huge smile on my face before i opened my eyes and realized i was still in bed lol.

It's not too much to ask for women to know how to kiss properly is it? It's not even like they are under the influence or anything like that they just don't know how to kiss and it irks me so. Other than that though i must say that my recent foray into house parties has gone quite nice. Last weekend i was invited to a house party by some of my coworkers i wasn't going to go at first but lack of better plans had me throwing caution to the wind. So i agreed to go and said that i could make a couple of drinks, i was delighted to find out that I would be given sole control of what liquor was bought and pretty much bar tending the party.

Needless to say i was quite excited indeed i pre-made some jello shots and some jungle juice in a large container i had and went. I had a lot of fun mixing and pouring drinks for people i really should look into doing that line of work if even just for a while. The only thing i'm not sure on is making 'girl' drinks or drinks that require more than 4 ingredients i'm sure i will find out how to do it eventually though.

My downfall in the party was when more and more people showed up that i knew and i kept taking shots... yeah i went down quick after that but it was alright i was getting late and i wasn't all that sure how i was getting home (since i was driven there). Thankfully everything worked out in the end and i was even invited to a couple of parties. One will be in the poconos (sp?) mid January and i was invited to two parties this weekend but i'm heading to Atlantic City.

I have two finals next week and i'm done for the semester i know i'll do fine but for once i think i might study at least a couple of hours. yes i know horror of horrors! Till then though i'll still be thinking of my dream...

~Andy
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Subject:It's the choice that makes us.
Time:02:29 am
Current Mood:calmcalm
Every time i look at the last post date when creating a new entry i think to myself wow thats pretty long ago. Since the last post i guess i have just been doing a lot searching not sure if it's in my "soul" per se. But rather just trying to figure things out in general. Sitting/standing around and just observing everything around me.

The last couple of days i have to say that i think i was depressed. I seem unclear as to what i actually felt because i have never really thought about "depression". I just chalked it up to one of those things people say in order to make themselves feel special. I wasn't myself in those days it was as if everything was darker and more jaded. Amazingly enough in one instant just recently i sat and contemplated till it dawned on me. Not sure what exactly but i stopped worrying about everything. As if something was lifted from me i no longer felt listless i felt quite relaxed and relieved and everything grew brighter. Yes i know it sounds all crazy and vague but thats the best i can do at describing what i was going through.

At times i miss the comfort of having a girlfriend.. but thinking back on it i still believe i would make a horrible boyfriend... at the very least a mildly tolerable one. That makes me second guess my search, why would i want to be in a relationship if i know that i am not ready for one? Do i want to test if i can still "feel" that way towards another person? Do i just miss the "feeling" of a relationship or do i genuinely want companionship? I guess i over think things too much and ruin something that should be so simple yet bring great joy. I can't help it.. i'm a scorpio..

Speaking of which my birthday is coming up and i will be turning a grand 23 years old. I feel old yet i know i am still a "young un" i am currently optimistic more so than usual though i know my precarious nature when it comes to these things. I always hit a low before i feel better. Someone mentioned that i may just be bi-polar. what rubbish lol.

The other day i had the girl that i was interested in (nickname Manhattan for those in the know) IM me while she was out drinking. Saying that she had second thoughts about her bf that she believed was still in love with his ex. I tried to be reassuring when i actually felt an utter indifference brought on by me almost falling asleep on the keyboard.

She told me that she felt she made a mistake by not going out with me and instead picking him. I just chalked it up to drunk talk seeing as i barely have spoken to her since she made said decision. I knew she had her own reasons and i don't blame her one bit. But it did make me think, i was thankful that she told me about it rather than ME being that mistake and her talking about it with some other guy. Did i dodge a bullet or what?

It got me thinking about the choices that we make everyday and that we can't take back. No matter how much we try and fix what we did every choice in our life leaves a mark on us that we either learn from and try and change over time or just let it be and live with it. I just found it very interesting this small revelation... Well i better get going i'm pretty sure i left you guys with a small nugget to tide you over till next time. Hopefully not that long in the future i have plenty to write about in the coming entries.

~Andy
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Subject:Reinventing the Exit
Time:10:25 am
Current Mood:relaxedrelaxed
Sorry i haven't been updating lately everyone but ::shrugs:: can't think of a good excuse. Though i spend most of my time bullshitting online i don't actually write much or felt the need to write much. But since i need to vent some even if i don't give full details helps me out greater than anyone can imagine.

The girl that i was interested in is dating another guy, pretty much out of nowhere (i saw via myspace when i was reading my old comments). Which frustrated me because she made me wait a couple of months to "get to know me" and out of nowhere ends up dating random guy? Unless she was talking to the other guy and lied to me the whole time? Regardless when i first found out the first thought in my head was "well that makes sense..." and i laughed to myself.

Yes i was sad i will not deny that but from the get go i wasn't really expecting anything to really happen. With age and enough time you can cope with just about any situation or disappointment. Being the optimist i am at least i found out that there are still girls out there that i truly like. Not to say that i don't see any now but there are more than i originally thought.

In a way i'm accomplishing the goals i set out for myself. I've become comfortable with myself and how i am. I do not set out to be a person that i am not just to make people comfortable. People flock to me like moths to the flame because of how i am. Looking back i don't understand why i had try to hide how i truly am to some people. Despite some set backs i'm more or less where i want to be as a person. Though i admit that professionally i am not where i want to be that will be next thing on my "to-do" list.

Weight wise i'm still going down so i am quite happy despite being lazy the last couple of weeks due to an early schedule for work and my trip to Indiana (which was amazing by the way!!!). Once classes start i want to aggressively work out as much as possible. I am the same weight i was when i started high school (many moons ago) so i am quite proud of that.

No major plans lined up for the coming months, i guess i'll just have to wait and see what fate holds for me.

~Andy
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