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Subject:Random musing.
Time:02:30 am
Current Mood:sleepysleepy
i would say i'm not better than i was 3 weeks ago but i would be lying. the status with the girl has gone nowhere so yes in that respect things are down. but i've thrown that to the fates to decide now im not going to spend anymore effort in trying to push the whole "official" thing. So i've reverted to my old ways hehe.

every passing day i find that i care less and less what certain people think and i just do more of what i please. lol this has led to some people getting really pissed off at me but i just shrug it off. of course all these "people" tend to be women but there isn't much i can do about it.

on weight? amazingly still going down lol you would think i would be ecstatic but i'm curious about it. happy slowly getting to where i want my ideal weight to be. comments about how much better i look are good but i dunno i still feel the same.... albeit with more definition.

summer has be thus far not that eventful really. i've been to one BBQ and it happened to be a midnight one. i might add it was pretty kick ass but i still miss going to a handful of BBQ's during the summer. maybe i should organize something with the crew, just sit around the fire pit and shoot the shit.

friday before me hoj and luis went to Q's we stopped to get some dinner at "pollo tropical" imagine a mcdonalds that just serves spanish food. it is amazing. but regardless somehow the mascot a yellow chicken in a hamock got me and hoj talking about how beautiful cancun beaches were. He has never been but as a child every year the family vacation would be cancun until me and my brother got bored of going there (what can i say we were too young to comprehend a social life). I dream of going back on day with just friends sitting on the gorgeous beach sippin' on a corona and staring at beautiful women (i did say a dream!). Even thinking about it fills me with an ambition to go back.

on that note its late and it's raining. i love sleeping to the rain there is nothing more relaxing. good night everyone.
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Time:11:30 pm
Current Mood:curiouscurious
I'm puzzled... really I've never had to really go through the "going out" process before going to the actually "dating" process. um that sounds confusing.. rather i have not had to go on dates to actually date someone usually. If it did happen it often occurred quite quickly..

thats why my current situation puzzles me greatly, i really like this girl and we have been seeing each other for the better part of two months. But she is still cautious about getting into a relationship. She would rather take her time to get to know me better to not rush things and get to know me better so neither of us get hurt.

but for me the more time we sit on the situation the more time i might have a chance to hurt her. yes i do have great patience but i feel that she is making me wait because she is waiting for a better offer from another guy. So what am i supposed to do? if i just wait yes i might end up dating her but if i do not i will be passing up an opportunity to meet another girl. I also want to become more than just a "friend", and that stage needs to be decided earlier if i want to make any real impression.

i guess i am just going to have to wait a bit more to see how this pans out for good or for bad. There is always something to be learned from new experiences.. or something like that.

~Andy
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Time:01:14 am
Current Mood:thoughtfulthoughtful
So i think i finally have "boring" off of my back thanks to some quite hilarious side commentary from my friends jon and mike. dont get me wrong she was a nice girl and she wasn't bad looking at all she was just so... plain and boring really. I thought things would change and she would open up a bit and she would prove to be interesting.. but i was wrong. She just wasn't for me and i didn't want to let her down or really hurt her feelings. It came to the point where i didn't even want to look at her.. yeh i know it sounds bad and what not but i just felt totally nothing. I thought about it for days on end how could someone just give me no emotions what so ever. In a way i guess i led her on a bit but i genuinely just wanted to see if i could feel anything i thought maybe i would feel something eventually but that didn't happen and i know that i hurt her regardless. i'm sorry for that but i cannot lie any further.

At first it was good i didn't have to worry about messing up talking to other girls because i wasn't desperate for sex or attention. But after awhile even that lost it's novelty i lost my instinct/motivation to look for someone that i was really interested in. Which led me to my next subject actually, i found someone semi-interesting and i suppose thats why i dropped the boring. It is the same girl from the last post that the cat and mouse game is going on.

She seems like a nice girl and i like her but i'm not going to die if she doesn't talk to me anymore. I just enjoy talking to her, she is a nice girl but i fully understand that there are a thousand other nice girls so i'm not trying to be overbearing or whatever. At first i was a bit annoyed but i found out the more i relaxed and didn't stress it the greater the feedback. It's not something that i'm used to.. cat and mouse games were never one of my strong points. If i like a girl i would let her know which i admit that not work often so i took this new approach.

But enough about relationship status or lack there of? I saw 28 weeks later as well everyone knows i have a thing for zombie flicks i can't help it! lol. I thought it was very creative though at times things did some predictable i still liked it, the idea of fast zombies is something that would pose a real threat i imagine instead of the old school shambling zombies. Now most people say why see a zombie movie when they are all the same? For me yes zombies might all be the "same" but it's not really about zombies but rather what the characters do in the movie. A sense of what would happen in a sense of desperation would heros become cowards? would an unlikely person survive against the odds? How people would react if everything that they worked their whole life for is suddenly just gone and they must cope with these conditions. Zombies are there for added effect, the real focus is a group of people desperate to survive by any means.

With that said i do believe that i am off, have a laundry list of things to do. My camera is acting up.. good ol' faithful might be replaced tomorrow by something snazzy. Of course expect a few pics heh. well best of wishes.

~Andy
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Subject:learning experiences.
Time:12:14 am
Current Mood:weirdweird
Hm so WHAT a weekend i had. i was quite busy indeed. I went to q's on friday and as always i had my fun. I learned to control alcohol consumption... some what lol. Saturday was amazing and a half though i intially planned for nothing Hoj said we should hit up the city clubs and do something new. Of course me living for a life of adventure went.

We were drinking on the pathtrain to NYC just for pregame and walked along the streets drinking some more. Arrived at Websters Hall in quite good spirits it was my first time there. It was all very exciting.. being cinco de mayo very cheap well tequilla has had way more than it should have been lol. Very nice place and i think i would like to go there more often when the chance occurs. But defintely with a bigger group.

Next we walked around NYC aimlessly as is pretty much tradition at this point lol. Went to club Pachas where i totally forgot that ray worked there lol dont blame me. it was the drunk/addled mind. Didn't spend that much time in there though i have to say that the set up is amazing.

I shortened the night immensely mainly because most of it was a blur of excitement and drinking. I got home sunday morning at 830AM... w/ a 6 pack of corona and a captain morgan. Amazinly i slept like a baby as soon as my head hit the pillow lol. The only thing i regret is that i didn't have enough energy the days after and had to spend so much time sneaking in naps to recoup all my energy. but all things have consequences so i can't complain that much.

life wise? i find myself questioning why if i like someone i have to be totally uninterested. i know its just part of the "dating" game or just flirting for that matter. but i'm growing tired of it, i know that its something that has to be done. Part of me already knows if i tell a girl that i like her that it would just scare her off... but if i play this little cat and mouse game i wont.. at least immediately lol.

i tend to like girls that are so different from me, well atleast on some points of course i couldn't like anyone that was COMPLETELY different from me, at least ideals/thoughts wise. it's something i have to learn feigning that i'm not interested. i dont really like it all that much the whole concept really bugs me. I'll just reserve my thoughts/feelings till later i suppose.

like always ill just have to adapt to the situation and make do with what happens for good or ill. there is always something to learn from all experiences just takes awhile to find someone worthwhile only to let it slip from my fingers. ill try and have zero expectations lol. yeh that'll work.

~Andy
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Current Music:Mein by Deftones
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Time:03:50 am
Current Mood:sleepysleepy
eh drank monster plus jim bean. also only had two other drinks tonight which gave me a feeling that i dont need to get drunk to dance. though it does get my mind off exhaustion... Monster helped me out w/ teh energy so i was dancing away tonight. Was good fun with all the new guest dj's spinning some new tunes.

so i was happy that my official weight was less than i expected, because i admit i slacked off somewhat w/ working out during winter break. It took me awhile to get useed to the excercises i used to do, things are getting easier so i have to try a new routine that tries me better.

i was asked earlier this week if i was afraid of commitment the way i was asked if i had a girfriend or not and i made the sign of the cross before i say thankfully no lol. the girl tried to analyze me and come up with some quick retort but i kind of batted it aside telling her if there is no one i can truly be with whats the point ::shurgsll

just found it funny is all that some people feel the need to flock to otehrs for comfort and safety while others see it more as a restraint..

~Andy
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Current Location:Focused and Ready by Chynaman
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Subject:Make way i'm whats happenin'
Time:05:19 am
Current Mood:determineddetermined
fuct up yey? Went to see ghost rider which was a bit as predicted. Not up to snuff but who can aruge w/ nicolas cage? Lol good actor though i think the movie could have been a bit more "explained". After the movie i zoomed onto towards q's with about a lil less than two hours left i got me and meh mates DRUNKED'D. yeh not that wise to consume that much alcohol in such a small time. lol. Tomorrow morning a few handful of people will curse my name as they hug their toilet! heh.

eh... the euphoria of drinking no pain no feeling. yet everything comes into balance quite perfectly. you see things like you have never seen them. you re examine everything in an instant and come to decisions without thinking of the consequences. heh. what a blessing/cursing i guess thats just what happens.

on the current i dont know how i feel spiraling as always tring to hold on to what i can. be myself and try to rough it out till the good happens again. i'm reckless and i dont even care anymore. i take that freefall and i see where it takes me to. i love that feeling of not feeling a thing and just let everything happens around me.

when you sit alone at night you can't help but of everything that had and will happen. you get to that point where destiny just waits for your decision. when you notice everything in one night that has changed w/ or w/o you. the things that you have changed and the things that you can't change at all. The die has been cast against your favor and you see as those results unfold i would suppose. For those things that you can decide at least those things you believe are yours to decide you do the best you can to own what is yours.

you wish for those days when everything seemed hopeful the way it did before. those kid dreams you never wish went away. the days where it always seemed like tomorrow would never come. the brink of every childish summer that stays in your mind never fading. that un diminished ideal you wish to reach.

the old days are through. the new future is whats on my way. i'm determined to get whats mine regardless of what happens. the future is bright. the past will always have a piece of my heart but i'm going to get whats mine. with a focused heart and my faith strong i know that i can get through this. just another day.

~Andy
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Current Music:Sunglasses At Night by Corey Hart
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Subject:Mood: Default lols
Time:11:46 pm
well that was a close one! i almost lost everything that i had going for me in one stupid instant. Thats what i get for not thoroughly being on top of things yet again... yes yes i know that i should have paid more attention to the small details and follow up on things that i do. I shouldn't assume things have been done w/o me so blahs to that. Very glad things didn't turn out worse than they COULD have been which is amazing really.

Salvaged what i could and went on my way w/ it. So yay meh. Tomorrow starts a new semester it seems that i am trapped in this little game for some more time. This week i have to see what other work i have to mop up so i have a definite time of getting out of there as sad as it sounds lol. Looks like i have to bust some heads in order to get things in order again! lol.

Not much else is happening things are shaping up as always.. it seems that slumps in my life are bound to happen in one way or another. During that slump period everything goes wrong and it seems like it can't get worse.. in some ways it does. I know that things pick up go right and go my way but sometimes things look so bleak. I've learned for the most part not to dwell on it just roll w/ the punches and keep looking forward. I just wonder how long it is every time it does..

I didn't know that the removal of stitches was something i could have done for myself which utterly amazed me what had to be done. Pretty much hold up the string and cut it w/ surgical blade... if i knew it was something as trivial as that i would have done it myself i thought they might have given something or other ::shrugs:: live and learn.

Good news they weighed me in and despite being a lazy fuck all break long i actually lost 1 lb!! lol i thought i would have gained some weight but being constantly sick cut at my appetite and i've been eating less and drinking more heh. GO me! though once school starts and work schedule is normal i'm going to start working out more i want to get more definition in meh.

Saturday went to the mall w/ Alyssa! it was great i was so happy to get new jeans since i dropped two sizes in jeans! i was sooooo happy!!! lol. But it sucked cause a lot of Pacific Sunwear jeans now come in "slim" AKA girl pants now for guys!! so lol i couldn't get a different color that i wanted =0( ah wells lol. I <3 shopping.. yes i know i have a problem.... i want to go back and get 2 other hats and atleast 3-4 more pairs of jeans once i get my cash flow going.. A trip to atlantic city has been mentioned that i REALLY want to go. I want to gamble.. sit there. drink. and gamble. yes indeed.

~Andy
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Current Music:The Sparrows And The Nightingales by Wolfsheim
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Subject:Leave a light on in the night for me
Time:06:12 am
a new year yes. a happy one. not yet.

well it occurred to me when i was sitting in the emergency room for a couple of hours w/ my friend steven watching sleepy hollow and fifth element that 2006 was ending w/ a whimper and not a bang as i had imagined. As i watched Johnny Dep and Bruce Willis be all kick ass it occurred to me that for the two holidays where drinking is mandatory (christmas and new years eve) that a drop of sweet liquor has not touched my lips. This enraged me as i did want to celebrate new years weekend with a glorious story and many pictures of myself being totally destroyed and having a fun time w/ my friends. But unfortunately a piece of proscioto shattered those dreams...

Oh yes i did fail to mention WHY i was in the emergency room watching tv for 4 hours... well lets say that a customer wanted all the skin/fat of a piece of proscioto of course i was happy to oblige. I would soon be out of work and going through my 75+ jello shots i made for friday night! Well me being over enthusiastic landed me a spot sitting there among sicker people waiting to get stitches. At first when it happened i had believed it was a small cut on my finger but after trying to wash it and bandage it up i noticed that a piece of bone /cartilidge was cut off... Yeh...

At first i didn't panic because it didn't hurt i was just annoyed that it might cut into my drinking time. But when i heard that when something like this happens that you get a tetnaus shot... in which you cannot ingest alcohol.. the look on my face must have been one of pure horror as hopes and dreams were crushed when this news was announced to me. I kept asking everyone even the nurse/doctor for second opinions... they thought i was crazy..

Regardless me and steven went to Q's my safe haven where i watched others get drunk and merry. Mind you it totally didn't destroy Q's for me the music was good as always and lots of friendly faces. I even danced w/o the influence of alcohol! I just happened to tire quicker and the pain was starting to dawn on me from my finger. I did see james and his gf which i haven't seen in ages so that was cool. Now he was gone beyond all recognition! I was still amazed that hector can go up to the bar and get served w/ no problem lol knocking back drinks w/ james.

Also i have been slaving like a dog at work which is of course a mixed blessing because Rachel and Katie came this weekend and i was unable to join in the festivities! Which sucks because i rarely see them in the first place =0( But atleast there were some memorable moments like when i told katie that a peruvian desert was like "sex in the mouth" right before she tried it... The look on her face when she had teh first bite was priceless! lol NEXT time i promise i will hang out w/ both of you a hella lot more. That or me, my brother and chris will come and wreak havoc on your small town/college!

Saturday i hung out w/ alyssa which was fun we went to outback and i ate just salad and a french onion soup which was more than enough for me to eat amazingly! lol. I love their salad! yums! The only bad part is that i did not know how low on gas the car was... yes i will never make that mistake again!! I dont know if it has ever happened to you but having gas spill on your clothes/hands is not fun... Because that smell does not come off easily... lol

New years eve was spent working an 8 and a half hour work day followed by drinking all types of cough medicine under the sun and watching twilight zone marathon by myself.. Yes exciting! I was too tired to even shift myself around so ::shrugs:: another uneventful new years but it didn't matter to me i was content enough.

I didn't even make a new years resolution as i'm slowly starting to get on point by myself. Working out, focusing on school and learning how to be myself one step at a time lol. I'm starting to use my um senses for lack of a better word better, though i admit sometimes i rather just let things happen rather than trying to focus on strands of fate to see what destiny has for me. Its an odd feeling know how things are going to pan out way before you mind totally catches up w/ the reality of the situation. Its damning and empowering at the same time.

With that i'm off to a cough syrup induced sleep.. yeh

~Andy
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Subject:~
Time:09:26 am
yy3h unm'm fuctr up ... dan eyh alocohol m,esses meh up gppppd// ,lol hahaaa yur fun times at q's though the songs were alright. im glad the set up was goood

~Andy
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Subject:tick tock
Time:05:02 am
Current Mood:awakeawake
hmm things have changed drastically in the last couple of days. i guess i'll attempt the short hand though all my lengths turn out longer than i set them out to be. What happened most recent? I have left Food Basics yes after almost 4 years i thought that it was a better idea to quit rather than wait and see what kind of fiendish ideas the managers came up for me. I will miss all my people and i live on the other side of the block so its not like i dont see them. It's been almost a whole week of being unemployed. I have done a whole bunch of nothing and yet caught up with everything. I've been doing homework going to the gym more often bs'ing w/ my geeky side and watching tv most of all.

its been surreal its given me time to recoup some of my mental health... regardless of what my friends say! Yesterday i started applying to a bunch of places via online. Today Pathmark called me though i dread going back to a super market, atleast the pay will be A LOT higher and might be great if they actually put me into any "real" meat department which is "skilled" labor. CAR HERE I COME! lol. I have an interview on saturday, i would have gone today but i had classes so saturday lets hope i dont wake up too shit faced.

love life? hah yah right lol. this one is so off the scales its not funny. i dont think i've ever has such an unstable time when it came to win. When it's up its way up and when its down its way down ::shrugs:: i guess atleast the fact that it ever goes up is a miracle in itself. so i can't complain all that much. Winter time always has me longing for another. though i know that it wont last long i guess thats just the way i am.

Classes will be over in two weeks i wonder how i am doing, i know in some parts i am excelling but i know that i should push myself harder and finish things once and for all. I'll get myself on it once i start to notice just how little time i have left lol.

I find myself using my intuition (sp) more and more everyday. i try and think about nothing clear my mind out. block others and noises out. focus on one feeling and close my eyes. I have one thought enter my mind and i see or atleast attempt to spark some feelings into me. I can feel when i'm going to be late, when something is going to be good, when something is going to be great, etc. Sure it doesn't work all the time or i just have too many things in my mind to get a clear answer. but its a small joy i partake in as stupid as it sounds.

tomorrow is q's... yums lol it seems like a full crowd is going me, my brother, hoj, hector, steve, jose, cathy and ray? lol and who knows who else shows up in that mix. can't wait to just let myself go. hope i dont get too drunk.. well atleast get the drinking in early and enjoy my fave songs ::bliss:: see everyone there.

~Andy
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