Every time i look at the last post date when creating a new entry i think to myself wow thats pretty long ago. Since the last post i guess i have just been doing a lot searching not sure if it's in my "soul" per se. But rather just trying to figure things out in general. Sitting/standing around and just observing everything around me.
The last couple of days i have to say that i think i was depressed. I seem unclear as to what i actually felt because i have never really thought about "depression". I just chalked it up to one of those things people say in order to make themselves feel special. I wasn't myself in those days it was as if everything was darker and more jaded. Amazingly enough in one instant just recently i sat and contemplated till it dawned on me. Not sure what exactly but i stopped worrying about everything. As if something was lifted from me i no longer felt listless i felt quite relaxed and relieved and everything grew brighter. Yes i know it sounds all crazy and vague but thats the best i can do at describing what i was going through.
At times i miss the comfort of having a girlfriend.. but thinking back on it i still believe i would make a horrible boyfriend... at the very least a mildly tolerable one. That makes me second guess my search, why would i want to be in a relationship if i know that i am not ready for one? Do i want to test if i can still "feel" that way towards another person? Do i just miss the "feeling" of a relationship or do i genuinely want companionship? I guess i over think things too much and ruin something that should be so simple yet bring great joy. I can't help it.. i'm a scorpio..
Speaking of which my birthday is coming up and i will be turning a grand 23 years old. I feel old yet i know i am still a "young un" i am currently optimistic more so than usual though i know my precarious nature when it comes to these things. I always hit a low before i feel better. Someone mentioned that i may just be bi-polar. what rubbish lol.
The other day i had the girl that i was interested in (nickname Manhattan for those in the know) IM me while she was out drinking. Saying that she had second thoughts about her bf that she believed was still in love with his ex. I tried to be reassuring when i actually felt an utter indifference brought on by me almost falling asleep on the keyboard.
She told me that she felt she made a mistake by not going out with me and instead picking him. I just chalked it up to drunk talk seeing as i barely have spoken to her since she made said decision. I knew she had her own reasons and i don't blame her one bit. But it did make me think, i was thankful that she told me about it rather than ME being that mistake and her talking about it with some other guy. Did i dodge a bullet or what?
It got me thinking about the choices that we make everyday and that we can't take back. No matter how much we try and fix what we did every choice in our life leaves a mark on us that we either learn from and try and change over time or just let it be and live with it. I just found it very interesting this small revelation... Well i better get going i'm pretty sure i left you guys with a small nugget to tide you over till next time. Hopefully not that long in the future i have plenty to write about in the coming entries.
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